New benches that play Cliff Richard songs to be installed in Chapelfield Gardens

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Norwich City Council are trialing new public benches that will deter users from sitting for too long by playing particular types of music.

The benches are mostly aimed at youths and pensioners who hang around on the benches and stay there for long periods of time.

The benches will have pressure sensors that will detect how long it has been in use. When the bench has been in use for a limit of 30 minutes, a warning alarm will sound. This will give the user a 60 second warning to vacate the area before the bench will start playing Cliff Richard songs at a loud volume.

 

Cliff enjoying the sun a little too much.

 

Some of the songs that will be played are The Millennium Prayer, Bachelor Boy and Move It. It is hoped that the songs will either embarrass or irritate people to move on.

But what if the person actually likes Cliff Richard? Well the benches have a plan B.

If the bench is still being used after 120 seconds of Cliff Richard being played, the bench will know that the user is either an older person or a Christian and the music will to change to Slipknot.

 

Slipknot will hopefully scare off the old and frail from taking up all the park benches.

The benches, believe it or not, were invented by Dame Judi Dench.

One day Judi was walking through a park one day and she slipped on a discarded banana skin and twisted her ankle. She needed to sit down but all the benches were occupied so she had sit on the grass. Unfortunately the grass patch she sat on had been soiled by a dog poo. She had to hobble home smelling like a dog’s arse.

If there was a bench available this would not of happened. That’s why she invented The Dench Bench ®.

The Dench Benches will be trialled in Chapelfield Gardens, installation to start on Friday 1st September.

Why not just buy more benches? Wouldn’t that be cheaper? What about deaf bench hoggers? What about people who like Cliff and Slipknot? Is Cliff really a bachelor boy?

We put these questions to the council but we are still awaiting a response. What do you think? Will it work? Is it a good way of spending council money?

 

 

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